


December 3: it's all been forgiven

by dizzy



Series: farewell and gtfo 2016 daily fic advent [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 07:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8740054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: prompt: "i know you've written it before but i'm just so obsessed so, JEALOUS!PHIL"





	

Dan’s lovely. 

Dan’s got a mouth Phil can’t stop staring at over skype. He’s got a laugh that makes Phil feel warm in the pit of his stomach. He’s got a mind so sharp and lovely, eyes so sad and scared, hands that Phil wants to feel in his own. 

Dan’s also got a girlfriend. 

*

Phil’s never been very good at puzzles. 

He gets frustrated too quickly. He wants the answer now, he doesn’t want to have to figure it out. He’s one for instant gratification, really. 

Dan is a puzzle. What Dan wants from him is a puzzle. What Phil wants Dan to want - that’s a puzzle, too. 

*

“Nobody understands me like you,” Dan says to Phil in the quiet of a four am call. He’s sleepy with his head on his pillow and his fingers curled against his cheek. “Phil, I’ve never met anyone like you before.” 

But when Phil looks at facebook, Dan’s profile picture is his smiling head tipped to the side to rest on the shoulder of a girl who owns Dan’s touch with quiet confidence. The comments on the picture are all a variety of teasing compliments; how good they look together, how good they are, how long it’s been. 

As Phil looks at the photos he’s aware that he’s never really felt this before. He’s felt disappointment from rejection, but - never this aching queasiness that settles in his bones and preoccupies his thoughts. 

He doesn’t like it very much at all. 

*

“I’ve got all afternoon tomorrow free _and_ my mum and dad are out,” Phil says, a joyous catch to his voice. He grins happily. “If you want to Skype, that is.” 

This is all he’s wanted all week long, a break from his parents asking him about job applications and what his plans are and his mum making him do all sorts of chores. She thinks it’s unhealthy for him to sit in his room on his computer all day, even if she does understand that making videos at least brings him some money in. 

“Oh, I-” Dan looks distracted suddenly, tapping his fingers against the desk and humming a tune he seems to be constantly changing. “I can’t. Tomorrow, I can’t tomorrow, I’ve got plans. My, um. She’s back from uni for the weekend.” 

“Oh.” Phil doesn’t know what that expression on Dan’s face is. He looks scared and a little sad. It’s probably bad that it makes Phil feel better. Not much, but just a little. “That’ll be fun then, right?” 

“I guess.” Dan says, trying for a little smile. 

*

Dan texts Phil at half eight the next night asking if he’s still online, still wants to talk.

Phil almost says no. He’s spent the whole day in a funk, listening to music too loud in his bedroom and trying very hard not to imagine what Dan and his girlfriend might be doing together. 

It’s not good, he thinks, that it makes him feel this way. It probably means he should talk to Dan less. Maybe not at all.

(The small, petty part of him knows Dan would be hurt by that. 

The even smaller, cruel part of him likes that Dan would be hurt, that Dan cares enough for Phil to even be able to hurt him.

The rest of Phil just feels sad.)

*

Dan texts and Phil is turning on his laptop before he can remind himself of all his firm resolve. 

By the time Dan is staring at him over the surprisingly clear connection Phil knows with a sinking-gut feeling that he won’t be walking away from Dan. 

“Did you have fun?” Phil makes himself ask, even though the words feel like lead coming out of his mouth. 

“I,” Dan starts, and then gives Phil a small, tired smile. “It was a lot.” 

Phil has no idea what to make of that. He’s not sure he wants to ask. “I’m glad you’re here now,” he says, and hopes that’s not a bad way to respond. 

It must not be, by the smile on Dan’s face. “I’m glad I am, too.”  
*

Dan is angry. 

He’s angry and Phil doesn’t even know why. 

“Don’t you even _care_ ,” Dan spits out. “I bet you don’t.” 

“Dan.” Phil says, helplessly. “I don’t understand.” 

The problem is that Dan is still beautiful when he’s angry. This is only a phone call, not a video chat, but Phil can picture it well enough anyway. He’s beautiful but instead of wanting to kiss him all over Phil just wants to kiss his furrowed brow and soothe away whatever it is in his head making him feel this way. 

“You wouldn’t,” Dan says, and then he goes quiet for a very long time. 

Phil watches the minutes tick by. 

Finally, Dan says. “I’m going to break up with her, and it’s your fault.” 

“I.” Phil doesn’t know why this feels so bad. “I’m sorry.” 

Dan sighs. “I’ll ring you later.” 

*

Dan texts him an hour later, a string of them that all come in right after the other. Dan texts like he talks, like the words can't keep up with his thoughts and there's no filter to them at all. 

_sorry. i’m a freak_  
_dont know why u even want to bother_  
_talk to u 2moro_  
_if u even want to_

Phil sits in his bedroom with the lights off and rubs his hands against his eyes, pretending they aren’t smeared with moisture. 

He’s twenty-three years old, he doesn’t cry over boys. 

(Just a little.)

* 

Dan doesn’t text the next day. 

He doesn’t ring either. 

But when Phil checks facebook Dan’s no longer in a relationship, and he sees all of Dan’s tweets and his fingers itch to pick up the phone or ask Dan on skype but he doesn’t know if Dan even wants to talk to him so he settles for responding for everyone to see and hoping that’s all right. 

*

Phil manages to hold out until the very end of the day. 

He’s sitting in the family room with his mum and dad watching a program about antiques. Being with his family makes him feel braver, like if this goes badly at least he can still go give his mum a hug. 

So he picks up his phone texts, _r u still coming 2 visit like we said?_

He gnaws his lip until it’s almost bloody waiting on Dan to reply. 

_want me to?_ Dan texts back. 

_pls_ , Phil write. 

Dan doesn’t answer with a yes or a no but the simple _< 3_ Phil gets back seems like enough. 

*

“Are you alright?” Phil asks quiet. 

Dan’s smile is easier. Phil doesn’t understand, but he is relieved. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I just needed to get my head around it, and all. So you really want me to come?” 

“Of course,” Phil says. His hands are splayed out flat on the duvet underneath him and his heart is beating a little too fast. “If you really want to.” 

“It’s just. You- _you_.” Dan's voice is quiet, slightly hollow. “You were all I had room for in my head.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” Phil asks. 

“Yes. No. I don’t know,” Dan says. “You make me want to do stupid things. I always do stupid things, though.”

“You’re not stupid,” Phil says, an automatic response. “You’re probably the smartest person I know.”

“Well.” Dan sighs and tips his head back. His neck is so long, and so pretty. “I’m trying to be not stupid about it this time. That’s why I broke up with her. So I’m single now and when we- whatever we- yeah.”

Phil might have moments of sheer confusion, but right now he thinks he understands. 

*

He goes back to look at her facebook that night. 

There are still pictures of her and Dan. They still make him feel that weird clawing sort of unsettled. That hasn’t gone away. 

She’s still someone who has been in Dan’s life for years. She’s someone he’s kissed and touched and fucked and loved. She won’t go away, probably never. She’ll keep living in that place in Dan’s heart she occupies, the same way the Phil still feels a beat of dread and the ghost of infatuation when certain names pop up on his facebook or his twitter feed. 

But he looks at the post from Dan where he’s just bought his train tickets and he looks at the date he has circled on the calendar and he knows suddenly, firmly, there’s room for him there too.

**Author's Note:**

> oops [snsk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/snsk/pseuds/snsk) and I ended up writing two different perspectives of the same event in Dan's life and posting them on the same day so if you enjoy this please go check out [all the very best of us](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8738497) to read the same story from Dan's girlfriend's pov. (also, hers is way prettier.)


End file.
